


Can't Stop the Pain...

by AllHallowsEve



Series: Wincest Colored Glasses [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s01e07 Hook Man, Hurt feelings, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Lust, M/M, Misunderstandings, Self Loathing, So much angst, Wincest - Freeform, intense dreams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 07:41:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14828216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllHallowsEve/pseuds/AllHallowsEve
Summary: The boys still can't find John, but they do stumble upon the Hook Man, with very painful results, some of which are actually physical.Episode 7 as seen through Wincest colored glasses.





	Can't Stop the Pain...

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully this won't have the kinds of mistakes the last one did. But as always it is unbeta's so please don't hesitate to let me know of any glaring mistakes. There is nothing I hate worse than being pulled out of the story by hitting grammatical errors, or poorly written phrases. So please hit me up if there are any issues needing attention. I truly do appreciate when people let me know.
> 
> I do my best to edit multiple times but the boys can be so distracting...

Dean sat looking at the computer screen, but he could sense the coming storm cloud that was Sam Winchester, as he walked across the seating area of the open air café, from the payphone he had just violently slammed the receiver down on.

Dean tried to relieve the tension by teasing “Your half-caff double vanilla latte is getting cold over here, Francis.”

But instead of a smile, all it earned him in response was a lightning bolt reply of “Bite me,” from his angry little brother.

None of the missing person’s reports, nor the traffic violations he had checked out, held any clues as to where their dad was, or had been.  They had all come up empty the same way all their previous attempts at finding him had.

Dean understood Sam’s need for revenge, but this obsession with wanting to find their dad, in order to get it done, was wearing on him.

Dean was thoroughly enjoying being on the road with Sam.  They had never been alone together, this long at a time, when they were absolutely free to do whatever they wanted.  They were the masters of their own destiny right now and it was the freest Dean had ever felt.

Yes it was hard being this close to Sam, alone with Sam, seeing him in all states of undress and knowing he was a mere arm’s length away every night in the next bed. That did make every moment of it desperately wonderful, heart-wrenchingly, boner inducingly difficult yes, but he wouldn’t change it for the world.

He loved being able to wake up every morning knowing Sam was there, by his side, no matter what they faced, and it was completely up to them, where they headed Baby, or what cases to follow.

He was no longer scared that something bad had happened to their dad.  He was convinced that their dad just didn’t want to be found.  He tried to persuade Sam of that, get him to just accept it, but the more he tried, the more pissed off Sam seemed to get.

Instead of going down that path again, Dean tried to distract Sam with a new case.  Sam wasn’t even interested in that, until Dean explained that if their dad got wind of the case, he would definitely check it out.  It was a long shot, but at last Sam acquiesced, dejectedly admitting they had no other leads anyway.

Sam didn’t really start getting into the case, being lackluster about it entirely, until they found the need to go to the university library to do research. 

It made Dean happy to see Sam get out of his pouty, angry at their dad, mentality, and delve deep into his nerdy research mode with gusto. But seeing Sam on campus, interacting with people and books this way, it reminded Dean of Sam’s last four years in a place like this, without him.

He had been focusing so well on the here and now, on enjoying every day with Sam to the fullest, that he was surprised by how much his missing Sam came crashing back full force into his heart.  It made no sense.  Sam was standing right here, talking about what he had found out about the case, with excitement even, yet Dean felt he had been punched in the solar plexus at how comfortable Sam was in the university setting.

His mind filled with memories, he had been swallowing down, of all those long days, and even longer nights, of not knowing what Sam’s life was, of wondering who he was talking to, and who he was sleeping with.  It hurt Dean to his core to know there was four years worth of mysteries surrounding Sam’s life that he could never, would never, be a part of, or fully ever know.

On the other hand, watching Sam’s face light up, as he explained that he had found a crucial clue to what this Hook Man case might be all about, it burned the ache away, just a little.  Watching Sam’s eyes focus intently, and his voice come out faster as the excitement of discovering answers poured out of him, made Dean swallow hard.  Sam showed the old pages, about an 1862 murder trial, to Dean proudly, causing Dean’s heart to hurt and his pants to tighten uncomfortably from how his brother all but vibrated with intensity, making his face glow.

Even better was the way Sam watched Dean as he picked up on Sam’s idea and fleshed it out even more, finding an old page that showed the accused preacher’s hand had been replaced with a hook.  Then the final piece was Sam’s to catch, by seeing that the murders the preacher had been convicted of, all happened on the same road that the new murder had.

Them working together like this, it set Dean’s blood to boil.  His body felt alive in a way nothing else had ever caused.  He tried to focus on that, on how being a partner to Sam in this way, made him feel whole, fulfilled, instead of pining for a time he could never get back.

They drove out to the site of the murders from both 1862 and the more recent one of the fraternity brother that had brought them here.  When Dean handed Sam a shotgun from the trunk, Sam said skeptically, “If it is a spirit, buckshot won’t do much good.”

His tone was one of superiority and doubt, the same tone that used to drive John crazy before Sam left for Stanford, and had started countless fights between the two.

Dean let it roll off his back, as he handed shells to go in the gun to his bratty brother, and answered in response, “Rock salt.”

Sam laughed and Dean could hear the surprise in his brother’s voice, when he admitted, “Salt being a spirit deterrent.”

Dean mhmm’d in response.

Sam followed up on that admission with another, “That’s pretty good.  You and Dad think of this?”

Dean felt the sting of how Sam sounded shocked, but then he let it go, in order to rub it in Sam’s face, “I told you, you don’t have to be a college graduate to be a genius.”

Sam couldn’t see it from his position behind Dean, but Dean’s face lit up in pride.  Sam might have gone to college for four years, but that was four years of hard earned hunter experience that Dean had over Sam.

His self congratulations didn’t last long though, as a Deputy came out of the tree line and forced the brothers onto the ground at gun point.  Because Sam was holding the gun, he was the only one arrested.

He was in utter disbelief when he was let go the next morning.  Dean met him at the door with a gleeful “Saved your ass,” gloat, explaining how he had talked the Sherriff down from the arrest, to only a fine.

Confusion was plain in his tone when he asked, “But how?”

Dean couldn’t keep the delight out of his voice when he described how he had convinced the Sherriff that Sam was a dumb-ass pledge, being hazed by being made to go out and hunt ghosts.  He was so giddy with his triumph, Dean called himself “Matlock,” laughing at his own joke.

Sam’s “And he believed you?” was quickly shot down by Dean somewhat bitterly stating “Well you look like a dumb-ass pledge,” as he stomped towards the Impala.

In all their years as kids, Sam had never once made Dean feel stupid.  He had always beamed at Dean with pride, seeming thrilled that he got to have him as his older brother.  Sam had always made Dean feel special, even though his kid brother had excelled at school from the moment he learned to read, he had never made Dean feel inferior before.

Somehow though, Sam being on campus and being back in this element, it was causing him to behave differently towards Dean. It was confusing him and making him feel raw and vulnerable, feelings Dean couldn’t have hated more.

He had no idea that the underlying reason for it was Sam’s own self loathing.  His dreams about Dean had been getting more vivid.  The night before, Sam’s dream had involved Dean discovering that Sam was in love with him.  But instead of turning on him in the dream, Dean had come over and began to kiss him, it escalated quickly, to the point where Dean had whispered, “You know, if you weren’t such a nerd, I would let you fuck me, but your brain is the only thing big on you, so I think I will have to go find a real man to fill me up.”

Sam had awakened to a forlorn feeling of emptiness.  He had a sense of loss that felt real, it felt like the only thing he had ever wanted had just slipped through his fingers.  He knew it was just a stupid dream, probably a manifestation of never really feeling like a genuine Winchester.  Dean and John were always the ‘manly’ ones, boozing, chasing women, being good at anything physical they tried. 

Sam had always been the odd man out, so to speak.  He had been made to feel inferior by John, in every way growing up, but he had always been good at school.  He had clung to that success, making it the center of who he was, all the way to Stanford.  It was only now, being on this campus, that he realized, it was a pipe dream.  He wasn’t convinced he would ever feel sure of himself again.

Every time he tried and failed to find any trace of their dad, it was like John once again pointing out all the ways Sam was inadequate.  All the ways Sam had failed to live up to John’s expectations, the largest amongst them being his going away to school in the first place.  But the irony of it was, if they ever did find their dad, one of the first things he would probably say to Sam was that he had failed yet again by dropping out of school.  Even though it was to find his sorry ass in the first place that he did so.

Without school, Sam didn’t really know who he was anymore.  He had tried to focus all his energy on the idea of getting revenge on the thing that had killed Jess.  It gave him a purpose, but without their Dad, that seemed impossible too.  He felt adrift. 

Dean being able to fast talk Sam out of jail, with no legal background, no knowledge of the law, was the cherry on top of making him feel like a failure.  He was pre-law for God’s sake.  He was about to get into law school when his dad had gone missing.  But he would have never come up with the amazing genius play Dean had used to free him from his predicament.

They had barely reached the Impala, where it was parked across from the Sheriff’s station, when deputies began pouring out of the building, jumping in cars, heading away in a scream of sirens.  It was so unexpected, that it shocked Sam right out of his dark mood, bringing his mind back to the immediacy of the case at hand.

The boys followed the flood of cars back to the campus where they were both surprised to see Lori sitting on the edge of an ambulance.  She was the girlfriend of the murdered frat boy whose death had brought the brothers to town in the first place.  They had met her earlier at church where her father was the current preacher.  Whatever was going on, it seemed like she was smack in the middle of it.

They snuck into the sorority house, finding to their surprise, that above where the latest victim had been killed, a note right out of the Hook Man legend, was violently carved into the wall, and smeared with blood.  That, in and of itself, was noteworthy, but what really stood out was the symbol at the bottom of the writing.  Sam knew it looked familiar but it wasn’t until Dean showed him, on the copy of the old arrest information, it was the exact same symbol stamped on the hook the murderer, Jacob Karn, had used to kill people back in 1862.

The boys went back to the frat house, where they had conned their way into a room for the night, to find that it was inundated by students in the middle of a kegger.  Sam went to find a computer to print out some research, while Dean took in the sights.  Dean enjoyed the revelry for a while, not really partaking since they were on a case. 

Later, he watched from across the room, as Sam came back in to the main raucous party area, looking uncomfortable and like he would rather be anywhere other than here.  Dean sauntered up to him, beaming the brightest smile Sam had seen on his brother all day.  For the first time since they had arrived on campus, Dean seemed to be completely in his element.  He complained though, saying Sam had been holding out on him, that this aspect of college life was awesome.  Sam explained quietly that this wasn’t actually his experience. 

Dean looked at Sam and sarcastically quipped, “Let me guess, library, studying, straight A’s?”

Sam nodded silently.

Dean chuckled, derisively adding “What a geek.”

He knew Dean was teasing him, but it brought all the feelings of insecurities toppling down on to Sam’s head from the dream a few nights before.  He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was lost.  He would never live up to John’s standards the way Dean did naturally.  He couldn’t follow orders easily either.  But somehow he felt this life, that he had run towards, was slipping away from him too, leaving him untethered.  He wanted desperately to cling to Dean, to have him be his anchor the way he had always been before Sam left.  But he knew his desire for his brother would taint that as well.  He didn’t know where he belonged, but he felt he would poison the only real place he wanted to be, if he stayed.

Dean listened to the information Sam had gathered, and it all pointed to the current preacher somehow controlling the ghost of Jacob Karn, either purposefully or inadvertently.  Somehow he must be trying to protect Lori causing the ghost to manifest. 

Now that they knew it was a ghost for sure, it should be a simple salt and burn of Karn’s corpse.  Unfortunately the arrest details stated that, after his death, he was laid to rest in an unmarked grave at the Old North Cemetery.

That led to the decision that Sam would stay near Lori to watch out for her while Dean went to the cemetery to attempt to somehow track down that grave.  It didn’t sit well with either brother to split up, but there was no other way.  They both tried to act like it was no big deal, but they were both equally worried over the other as they went their separate ways for the night.

Dean’s task wasn’t as hard as it could have been, since one of the unmarked graves was actually marked with the same symbol that kept popping up in conjunction with the hook belonging to Jacob Karn.  While he did the menial labor of digging up the grave, Dean couldn’t stop his mind wandering to Sam and what he might be doing with Lori.  He had seen the way she watched his brother every time he had been near her.  It made Dean’s jaw clench so tight it gave him a headache to think of Sam being with her.

Dean knew he had no right to expect Sam not to move on, after Jess.  Sam was a warm blooded straight male after all, and in spite of his broken heart, he had needs just like anyone.  Dean knew Sam deserved a respite from his mourning.  But that didn’t make him have to like it.

He hated himself for it, but he had hoped Jess’s death would keep Sam off the market for longer than this.

His muscles were glad when his shovel finally broke through the wooden coffin.  It eased the ache in his body, but did nothing for his longing spirit.  He made quick work of salting and burning the remains.  Relieved he could head back to find Sam, dreading what he might actually see when he got there.

On the other side of town, Sam found his way to a perch outside Lori’s father’s house, where she was staying, since her room at the sorority was still an open crime scene.  He overheard a fight between her and her father.

Sam hadn’t expected Lori to leave the house, much less come out and sit with him.  She opened up to him about the fight with her dad, and his seeming hypocrisy of preaching to everyone, but then dating a married woman.  Lori’s ability to just open up and allow herself to be vulnerable, reminded him of Jess. 

Jessica had always been very good about sharing her problems and her feelings.  Unlike Dean who kept every emotion he had in check, never sharing anything that would remotely expose his soft underbelly. 

The more Lori spoke, the more upset she became, expressing a fear that everyone around her seemed to die, like she was cursed or something.  That was a sentiment Sam knew all too well, himself. She leaned over to him for a hug, which he returned, feeling kinship through their losses. 

But then she pulled back and slowly leaned in, kissing him.  At first he accepted the kiss, even relished the hope that he could lose himself with her, to try to escape his mixed up, torn apart heart, that beat only for Dean, whom he could never have.

 He tried to want her, tried to feel something, anything, even if the escape was just temporary, the way it had always been with Jess. At least it would allow him some time to swallow his need for his brother down, cover it up, by just giving in to his body and allowing it to go through the motions mindlessly, heartlessly, just searching for any release.

But after mere seconds he realized he just couldn’t.  Dean was it for him.  Even if it meant a life emotionally unfulfilled.  He pulled away from her, breaking the kiss, which had only just begun in earnest.

“Lori, I can’t.”  He whispered, wishing it weren’t true. Wishing he wasn’t such a freak of nature, to be overwhelmed every waking moment by the soul wrenching need for Dean.

“That someone you lost?” She asked in concern.

But before he had to lie, her father opened the door and called to her, asked insistently for her to come inside.

Sam could tell by her voice and body posture, she was livid when she answered, “I’ll come in when I’m ready.”

Before her father had time to respond, a shadow formed behind him and in the blink of an eye, a hook came out of the darkness, stabbing down into the pastor’s shoulder, dragging him backwards into his office.

Sam grabbed the rock salt filled shotgun and stormed into the house after the ghost, getting to him just in time to stop the ghost from delivering the killing blow to Lori’s father.

Dean found Sam at the hospital, giving his statement to the Sherriff. 

They realized that even though Dean had burned Jacob Karn’s bones, the hook wasn’t buried with him.  After spending the day back at the library doing research they finally found out that the hook had been donated to St. Barnabas’s Church, where Lori’s dad currently preached.  Unfortunately it had been melted down and reforged into something else, but they could find no reference as to what that might be.  They went to the church that night and again had to split up, because the item giving the ghost its power could be either at the church itself, or at the house next door, where Lori and her father lived.

 Dean’s nerves were on edge, and as Sam headed into Lori’s house, Dean’s mouth got the better of him, as he yelled, “Hey, stay out of her underwear drawer.”

Sam looked at Dean in confusion, and Dean turned and had to force himself not to run towards the church.  _Why in the hell had he said that?_   He was losing his cool, thinking about Sam with this girl.  He had to get a grip or his distraction could cost him big time.

They had only just begun burning all the silver items they had collected from both locations, in the stove, in the basement of the church, when they heard someone above them walking around.  They went to check it out, but it was only Lori, who had come back from the hospital and into the church to pray.

Dean sent Sam to distract her.  Dean hated it, but knew that Sam had a rapport with her, and he, himself, had no patience to make nice right now.  He went back to the task of melting all the silver.

Dean heard a commotion above him, his heart pounded in panicked fear.  He couldn’t abandon the task of melting the various silver items in order to go check on Sam.  He knew if the ghost was indeed attacking his brother upstairs, the only way to save him was to melt the right item.  He just hoped to God he could do it in time.

Dean heard Sam cry out in pain just as he threw the last of the silver into the flames.  He grabbed the shotgun and headed up the stairs as fast as his trembling legs would carry him.  His heart pounded so hard that he could feel the pulse in both temples.  He _wouldn’t be too late, he just couldn’t be._

Relief flooded his system as Sam came into view, when Dean careened around a corner.  Without stopping, he yelled for Sam to duck, so that he could get a shot at the dark figure looming in front of his brother.  The rock salt shot made the ghost dissipate but he knew it was only a temporary reprieve.

Neither brother could figure out how they had missed any silver items in their thorough search.  Then Sam’s eyes fell on Lori’s necklace.  He asked her where she had gotten it and she explained that her father had given it to her and that it was a church heirloom. 

As soon as Sam yanked the silver necklace off her chest, an invisible hook began carving deep gouges all along the walls in a threatening slow path to where they all stood.  Sam threw Dean the necklace in exchange for Dean throwing him the shotgun.  Dean hated leaving Sam to the mercy of the ghost, loathed it with every fiber of his being, having to actually force his legs to move away from his brother, knowing it was the only way to protect him, but it went against every cell in his body to do so.

He raced to the basement throwing the necklace into the red hot stove.  Once the thing melted, Dean drove his body back upstairs unable to catch his breath, until he saw Sam, with his own eyes, until he knew for sure that he was still alive, if somewhat worse for wear.

The Sherriff showed up and gave Dean a hard time while Sam was getting stitched up in the ambulance.  He finally let him go with the promise that he and Sam were leaving town. 

As Dean climbed into the driver’s seat of the Impala he caught a glimpse of Lori walking towards Sam, causing Dean to slam the car door harder than he meant to.   Bile rose in his throat as he watched her take Sam’s non injured hand in her own smaller one.  He had a perfect view of their interaction in the side view mirror, as he wondered bitterly what was being said. 

The entire time Lori was talking to him, being earnest and sweet, Sam couldn’t wait for her to shut up.  He just wanted to be back in the car with Dean.  But something was eating at him.  He had no idea how to continue fighting his feelings for Dean.  The entire time he had been back by his side, he knew his escape plan was to go back to school.  That all he had to do was survive long enough for them to find their Dad, and then the three of them would hunt down the monster that had been cursing their family all his life, and then he would be free to get far away from Dean.  That had been the plan.

But something had changed, had shifted in him.  He now agreed with Dean, their dad was purposefully not wanting to be found.  This case should have drawn him in.  But it didn’t.  He was nowhere, and the only explanation was that he had gone underground.  If his history with his father had taught him anything, it was that once John Winchester set his mind to something, nothing would change it.

That meant he had some hard decisions to make.  He had to figure out if he was strong enough to live with Dean without doing something stupid.  As a teenager he hadn’t been, which is why he had run off to Stanford to begin with.

Now, he didn’t know.  He wanted to believe that he wouldn’t do anything stupid enough to make Dean hate him.  But his resolve was untested.  His desires were growing exponentially day by day, and his dreams were ripping him apart at night.  He hung his head in mental, emotional and physical exhaustion, as he walked back towards the Impala.

Dean chewed his lower lip as he watched Sam’s head droop, marching slowly back in his direction, away from the young woman, looking, for all the world, like he was leaving something, desperately important, behind. 

Sam got in without saying a word, just holding his injured shoulder silently staring ahead, not meeting Dean’s eyes.  It made Dean nauseous to ask, “We could stay?”  But he did so, because he loved Sam, and if he needed this, needed her, then Dean wouldn’t fight it, wouldn’t deny Sam that.  Upon reflection, Dean found that he couldn’t think of much he would deny Sam, even as the thought of him being with this young woman curdled his stomach.

Sam barely turned his head towards Dean, still not meeting his gaze, but shook his head no. Dean took one more look back at the young woman, he felt nothing but spite towards, and pulled Baby onto the road.  He couldn’t remember ever being so happy to leave a town as he was at this moment.

**Author's Note:**

> This one caught me off guard. I think it is my favorite so far. There was so much Wincest potential in this episode to work with that I just had a field day. 
> 
> The angst level is almost unbearable. But that is the life of a Winchester, as we all know.
> 
> The mature rating was mostly for the verbiage during Sam's dream scene. Sorry if that was a disappointment. I wasn't really sure how to handle the rating because of it, so I felt it was better to err on the side of caution for anyone who might not expect that kind of wording from a series that has been mostly G rated up til now. But who are we kidding, if you are reading Wincest, you can't be that innocent at heart, right?
> 
> I hope you guys are still having fun, and I can't thank everyone enough for all the support, kudos and comments.


End file.
